You Say You Need An Evolution

April 6, 2013 at 6:45 PM (Uncategorized)
Tags: , , , , , , , , , , , , , ,

Last night and this morning on Twitter – a group of Student Affairs/Higher Educational professionals entered into an intense conversation about CSP/SA graduate programs.

Many opinions were expressed, challenge questions were posed, and new ideas brought forward. People shared frustrations, offered counter points of view, and kindly agreed to disagree on what is a very personal and important subject to many SA professionals. People discussed masters degrees, technology in SA graduate programs, whether graduate assistantships in SA should or should not be offered to those who are not members of a CSP/SA masters program, if student development theories are relevant, and ultimately whether CSP/SA masters programs should exist at all.

The conversation was insightful, fascinating, and direct. However, as I sit here on this plane heading from Houston to Chicago, I find myself focusing on three key issues I will not be able to communicate in 140 characters or less (thank goodness for blogs). Here they are:

1. Masters degree programs are critical to Student Affairs/Student Personnel work, but they must be updated to include more relevant courses and experiences.

In the past twenty years, Student Affairs has become far more complicated than our predecessors could have imagined. Crisis situations, legal requirements, mental health issues, aging facilities and budgetary implications have become far more prevalent in our work. Add to this the continual reorganization (and sometimes elimination) of Student Affairs divisions, outsourcing key components of traditional SA programs, advances in technology and addition of social media, and the way we do our work shifts like sand beneath our feet. However, very few of our graduate programs or faculty have analyzed the course requirements for programs and matched them to the current and future needs of our work. How are we equipping our graduate students with the skills necessary to work in an ever-changing environment? Where is the exposure to SA experiences beyond simply the programmatic, conduct, leadership and academic parts of our work? Where is the intentional exposure to and training on navigating the politics of a campus? How are we weaving technology into classroom and GA experiences, so our new professionals have a good grasp of these things before they enter into the SA workforce? By not re-examining and redesigning our programs, we are failing our students and perpetuating problems within our own field.

2. Student development theory is one of the cornerstones of our field, and must be taught as part of the curriculum.

I get it – I really do. The traditional theories in our work were developed primarily using affluent white males. How on earth can these possibly be relevant today? Maybe we should simply count them as history, acknowledge their presence, and then move on to those that are more relevant, or better yet – scrap teaching theory completely and simply focus on practice.

Sorry folks, I disagree. These “irrelevant” theories are the foundations of our work with students. These theories also launched the more current, modern and inclusive theories, and as such need to be taught and understood. Teaching students how to critically analyze theoretical frameworks is an essential skill, as it supports their ability to critically analyze all sorts of other things – like traditional policies on campus – and helps underscore an appreciation of inclusion in all facets of our work. Our challenge as educators is to help these theories become real for our students, so they can understand the “why” behind our work and apply the use of these theories appropriately. Furthermore, any research conducted by our graduate students should have some basis in a theoretical framework in order to better connect it to the relevancy and credibility of our profession. Theoretical foundations exist and are taught in all areas of academia, why should Student Affairs be any different?

3. We in Student Affairs must do a better job finding and creating graduate assistantships and internships in related fields for our graduate students.

It’s no secret that direct experience in student affairs as a graduate assistant and/or intern is one of the absolute best ways to help prepare future young professionals in our field. However, all too often budgetary constraints cause two things to happen in CSP/SA graduate programs – additional students are admitted to the program, and graduate assistantships in key areas get cut. To that end, and to address the changes mentioned above, Student Affairs programs and professionals must develop a network of graduate assistantship and internship opportunities within Student Affairs departments, outside of SA in other areas of campus, and in related off-campus areas. Many campuses have student services or enrollment management functions that are not part of their student affairs/student life division, but that are part of this type of division at other universities. How about collaborating with other nearby universities/colleges/community colleges, or with corporate partners? What about developing a hybrid graduate assistantship that helps with facility work order systems, with budget development, with IT, with transportation services, or with advancement? These are all critical skills, and when balanced with programmatic and development internships, can help create a well-rounded new professional. The challenge for graduate programs is that we as faculty and administrators need to take more time with our graduate students to help them best plan out a GA/internship path that will lead them to success.

You may view these words simply as the ramblings of a long-time veteran in the field (“get off my lawn!”), or maybe something that sparks additional conversations about how we best prepare our future SA leaders and teachers. Perhaps it is time that key people from our professional associations have honest conversations about overarching competences and how – both curricularly and co-curricularly – our universities and colleges are teaching graduate students about the value, dimension and intricacies of our profession.

I hold true to the conviction that we need to evolve our graduate programs into ones that work for the betterment of our grads, our field and the students we serve. I get that there are challenges with this – faculty involvement, academic freedom, in some area limited expertise as the issues are so new – but we cannot be afraid to move forward. It’s time – and it’s worth the heavy lifting.

5 Comments

One Word 2013

January 2, 2013 at 10:20 PM (Uncategorized)

“In the long run, we shape our lives and we shape ourselves. The process never ends until we die. And the choices we make are ultimately our responsibility.” – Eleanor Roosevelt

It’s all about the choices we make.

Over the past two years, I’ve chosen a word to think about, focus on and live out via the One Word challenge.  Last year, my one word was PERSIST- which was appropriate given the many changes in my life (new job, moving to a new city, and all sorts of new challenges along the way).  However, this year, I needed something different.  I needed something that could truly – and wonderfully – change me for the better.

For some time now, I’ve been thinking about control, direction, planning and all sorts of other things that help shape and frame our lives.  I’ve read some things posted by colleagues and friends that are positive and affirming – but then talked to them and found their true philosophies to be counter to how they represent themselves on-line.  I’ve heard some people express concern about behavior of others – and yet they say nothing to the people about which they are concerned.  And finally, I’ve reflected upon my actions and decisions over the past twelve months – those things of which I’m both proud and ashamed (sometimes simultaneously).

After all of this reflection – I realized that the common denominator among all of these issues was very simple – it’s a matter of choice.

People choose to live out their values – or not.  They choose to make healthy choices – or they don’t.  They even choose to let bullies or racism or poverty or sexism continue right in front of them – or they don’t.  

The power lies in the choice itself.  We all have free will, and if we are to truly change our lives, ourselves and our world – we have to use the power to its fullest. We have to choose.

So – for my one word for 2013 – I am selecting (or choosing) CHOOSE.  In doing so – I will reflect on the following questions:

  • What actions would I choose if I am to truly live my values?
  • Are my reactions – my chosen responses to situations at work, home and elsewhere – positive and affirming?  If not – what do I need to do differently?
  • Are my choices healthy – and will they serve me well for long-term physical and emotional well-being?
  • Are my financial habits (a.k.a. choices) supportive of my values and goals?
  • Are my chosen actions and words supporting and encouraging a socially just world?
  • Am I choosing to be involved and engaged in positive relationships, and am I choosing actions, thoughts and words that are nurturing to these relationships?  

There you have it – my focus for 2013.  I am choosing to accept the challenge.  I know this will not be easy – no choice of consequence really ever is.  Consider this:

“There are always (at least) two choices.  Two paths to take.  One is easy – and it’s only reward is that it’s easy.” – unknown

So 2013 – I choose – and I will choose wisely.

Happy New Year!

4 Comments

Dialogue Please!

October 21, 2012 at 5:37 PM (Uncategorized)
Tags: , , , , , , , , ,

Today, I did what I do almost every Sunday morning. I watched “Meet the Press” and “This Week with George Stephanopoulos” with my husband. At the same time, I participated in exchanges on Twitter about the conversations on both shows – engaging with others in what I always hope will be spirited yet appropriate debate on the topics discussed on these shows. There may be snark, there may be sass, and sometimes there’s obvious frustration in the comments. These generally go quite well.

However, today was not one of those days. Today I was referred to as a communist because my value system is more liberal than some others would like it to be. I was called a “baby killer” outright on social media because I believe in a woman’s right to choose. I was informed quite bluntly that I am an idiot to think Mitt Romney meant anything other than kindness and/or comedy for his statements about women wanting to “get home by 5 o’clock to cook dinner” and his “binders full of women”. I watched as others tweeted about the appearance of women panelists on these two shows – about their hair, their voice, their physical stature – rather than about the substance and content of their very appropriate points of view. I was called a “dumb bitch” because I expressed belief in gun control laws, and shared a link to a study about how the proliferation of guns in America coupled with a reduction of gun control laws have contributed to an increase in gun violence and senseless death. I was labeled as stupid because I “don’t understand” that the President of the United States “totally screwed up” this “Libya thing”. I was even told to “shut up and go back in the kitchen” when sharing my opinions on health care and coverage for birth control. And I was accused of being incapable of making an intelligent decision because I align myself with the Democratic party and Barack Obama’s campaign.

Today was not about discourse. Today was about disenfranchisement. Today was about shutting down, not seeking to be understood or heard. Today was not about debate.

These interactions are both absurd and unacceptable. If you believe in pro-life policies, conceal-carry laws and a conservative value structure – I may not understand the why behind your beliefs, but I certainly will not call you an idiot (or worse). I will openly disagree with you and challenge you to defend your position. Sure, I’ll try and point out flaws in your logic – and you should do the same for me. It’s one of the ways we begin to see inconsistencies in our own beliefs, analyze them, and either adjust or confirm them for ourselves.

That’s what dialogue is – an attempt by two people with differing points of view to better understand the position and rationale of the other, all the while maintaining their own perspectives and being true to who they are. Dialogue is not name calling, proselytizing, or oppressing others. Dialogue is not shutting someone else down just so your own point can be heard. Dialogue is an equal exchange of ideas. You don’t have to agree with the other person – but you should hear them out. We all fall short at times – especially when our emotions get the best of us – but name calling and threatening is not the way to reach any kind of positive conclusion or resolution. I own that I am just as guilty of this at times (I’m recalling a recent series of tweets about “MittLies” in response to statements made by Governor Romney in recent debates), but I strive to be better. We need to end this “gotcha/zinger” approach to addressing issues and move to something more conducive to finding common ground.

Consider this quote:

“It is the mark of an educated mind to be able to entertain a thought without accepting it.” – Aristotle

As we move into the third Presidential debate, and the last two weeks of this election season – please keep this quote in mind. Help elevate the level of debate – and true discourse – by engaging in conversation with others about their opinions and beliefs. Let’s all try a little bit harder.

And I’m hopeful that President Obama, Vice President Biden, Governor Romney and Congressman Ryan will try harder, too.

18 Comments

And the Tony Goes To…..

December 5, 2011 at 4:58 PM (Uncategorized)

Yep – in true JPK style – I’m a day behind on the prompts but at least I’m writing!  Besides, why mess with tradition?

This #ReverbBroads11 post is based on the prompt - In the movie version of your life, which actor/actress would play you and the significant players in your life? What kind of movie is it (e.g., made-for-TV, action, emo/indie, etc.)? What would be the major plot points, and how will it end?  (courtesy of Emily at warmedtheworld.blogspot.com)

While I love film, my preferred medium has to be the Broadway musical – so I’m using that instead of film to answer the question.  Let me hit these sub-points one at a time:

1. Cast – well goodness, there are so many to choose from?  Generally, I’d say an actress that combines Jeri Ryan’s facial features (we look somewhat alike) with Idina Menzel’s ability to sing and Sara Ramirez’ sass (yes, for those of you who ONLY know her on Grey’s Anatomy – she was a Broadway performer first – and has one hell of a voice!).  For my hubby – he’s an actor so I’ll let him play himself.  Besides, no one could capture the uniqueness that is my partner – he’s just too amazing in his own right.  For my mom – she would have to be played by Kathy Bates – she’s sassy and snarky and has a killer wit, but she’s also smart as anything.  My dad – we’ll cast Dennis Quaid – lots of sports references and movies to draw from.  For my stepdad – George Wendt – but George would have to shave his head.  One of my sisters would be played by Amy Poehler (yep Cherie – that’s you).  For my BFF – I’d say Kathy Bates again – she’s an amazing actress and could pull off a dual role!  I could go on – there are so many cool and amazing people in my life (for instance – my colleague Tina – yep, Tina Fey is playing her.).  I could cast each of my #WLsalt sisters, too – but I digress.

2. This is a flat out, 100%, musical review of my life and future directions.  If I had the time I’d generate an entire set list, complete with dance and musical numbers.  We – of course – would HAVE to have s show-stopping tap dance number with some ridiculous stunts – and why not?  I know the production would have strong themes of feminism, empowerment, whimsy, and social responsibility.  There would also be some number from “Cats” – yes, it’s true, I’m a crazy cat lady – and proud of it!

3. How will it end?  With a big party.  There will be no sad funeral.  Nope – we celebrate people’s lives in my musical – and yes, there would be a showstopping musical number.  What better way to end a life story than with one of those?!

And…..scene.

Leave a Comment

Here Kitty Kitty…..

December 4, 2011 at 8:28 AM (Uncategorized)

I’m participating in #ReverbBroads11, a month of blog prompts promised to be silly and reflective. Today’s prompt is: How did you become more of a grown-up this year? Or did you pull a Peter Pan and stubbornly remain childlike? via Bethany at  bethanyactually.com

I’ve always believed the sage words of my mother, who always says, “You can always grow older, but never grow up!”  To that end, I’ve always reveled in the beauty and silliness of life around me.  I’m the first to be ridiculous, the first to bust out with my louder-than-life laugh (just thinking about it makes me laugh right now), and the first to jump in – head first – to any project, event, or initiative that I find interesting at the moment.  To me – these things make life fun.  Stopping to look at, admire and photograph a beautiful spring flower (thank goodness for camera phones), riding a roller coaster or Ferris Wheel, eating a fried Twinkie “just because” (it’s gross, I tell you, GROSS), or calling over a stray cat just to give it a little love – all of these things I believe are inherently child-like but also add to the quality of my life.

But this prompt made me think about these things a little more.  Why do I continue to embrace this philosophy?  Is it just to keep me feeling young (as the mirror continues to tell me, the “young looking” days are far behind me!), or is it truly part of my soul?  After some reflection (admittedly, not alot – so more is needed), I believe this is just who I am.  I love the world around me – I love the sights, the smells, and the involvement in life.  To that end, I believe taking those moments to be silly, to spin around until you fall down, to watch “The Sing-Off” in my living room and dance around to the music – all of these things make life worth living for me.

I remember an interview that Mike Myers gave on “Inside the Actors Studio” a few years ago, in which he was asked about being silly.  He said, “I think silliness is the natural state of things.  Serious is something you have to get through in order to be silly again.”  I. Love. This!

So excuse me – there’s a joke that needs telling, a laugh that needs laughing, and a kitty who is adamant that we play – so I’m in!

4 Comments

There Can Be Only One – NOT!

December 2, 2011 at 2:43 PM (Uncategorized)

I’m participating in #ReverbBroads11, a month of blog prompts promised to be silly and reflective. Today’s prompt is: What is the stupidest thing you did this year? What about in your whole life? You can take stupid to mean: embarrassing, dangerous, funny, lame, whatever you consider “stupid.”

Oh wow.  This one is tough – not because there’s nothing to write about – but because there’s too much!  So I’ll hit both categories individually:

What’s the stupidest thing I did this year?  

I think the best answer here is not fulfilling the promises I’ve made to myself. Little things, like starting the Spanish language program I wanted to start, calling my Grandma more often, taking guitar lessons and getting that article written – all of these things add up.  The only person I’m disappointing or hurting is myself.  This issue will be the focus of my One Word promise for 2012 (just have to figure out what the heck that one word would be – if anyone has any suggestions – I’m all ears – or eyes, as the case may be).

What’s the stupidest thing I’ve done in my whole life?

Fortunately, there are way too many of these to mention.  However, I think wearing this and allowing myself to be a victim of the “pie-in-the-face” is probably a good start at an answer:

(Note to self:  Republishing this picture is probably another thing to add to the “stupid” file)

In all seriousness, I really believe that from some of my so-called stupidest moments, I’ve learned the most.  So even though they may be embarrassing, dangerous, scary or ridiculous – I’m moved through them and learned so much as a result of their occurrence in my life.  So I celebrate the stupid things – and hopefully I’ll be able to continue to laugh and learn from them for a long time to come!

If not, maybe the photographic evidence of these occurrences will simply serve as a warning to others!

1 Comment

It’s Your Turn

December 2, 2011 at 11:45 AM (The Feminist Lattice)
Tags: , , ,

So maybe I’m a day behind, but in reading the other posts as part of this initiative – I’m putting my hat in the ring and participating in #ReverbBroads11, a month of blog prompts promised to be silly and reflective. Today’s (okay, yesterday’s) prompt is: If the you of today could go back in time and give advice to any of the previous yous, which age would you visit and what would you tell them? So here goes:

Dear 30-year old Julie,

You’ve had a hell of a year there, sister. You know it – and I know it even more completely. The issues you’ve faced have been incredibly difficult. Know that by simply living through it – you’ve become stronger, more confident, and more of who you really are – even when you fall into a heap sobbing on the kitchen floor (and yes, this did confuse the hell out of the cat).

Divorce sucks – plain and simple. It’s hard, it’s painful, and it’s a consistent reminder – at least in your mind at age 30 – that you failed in some way. I’m telling you not to look at it like that. Consider it differently – what decisions did you make that GOT you to this point? When I (your 40-year old self) look at it – this is what I see:

1. You tried to fulfill an image of the woman you THOUGHT you were supposed to be. Your ex-husband is a good man – but he expected this facade of a woman that he married to continue forward – one that said she wanted children, one that tried to be the good hostess, etc.; you know deep down that you were not being true to what you wanted and who you were when you entered into this marriage. You need to own this, and move beyond it. Who you are is VITAL, is PHENOMENAL, and you matter. Take that to the bank and cash it.

2. You never stood up for yourself. Trust me – that’s hard for me to even phathom anymore given how much we’ve grown since then. You went days, weeks, months and even years not speaking up for yourself, expressing what it is that you needed. That’s never okay – because every time you silence yourself – you devalue your needs and your voice. Stop it.

3. You thought that if you didn’t get married, other people would be upset and disappointed in you. Face it, lady, you cannot live your life based on other people’s perceptions about you. At the end of the day – you have to live with you, not with your stepsisters, not with your friends, not with his friends. You make your choices and you learn from them. Trying to live up to other people’s expectations will only cause you more pain – and you will always fall short. Live up to yours.

4. You let others opinions influence your decision. You’ve made a lot of decisions with that perspective in mind. But when you really think about it – the best decisions you’ve made up to this point are the ones YOU wanted to make. You decided to follow your passion of going into Student Affairs instead of following a career in genetics – because it made you happy. You joined a sorority that you loved instead of one that was huge and popular on campus – because it was what you wanted to do. Look at the amazing outcomes that happen when you follow your own voice. Listen to it more, and know that it won’t lead you astray.

I know right now all you can see is the pain and the hurt, and all you seem to be able to do is blame yourself. But please trust me, this will pass. Over the next 10 years, you will experience such amazing things – and your experiences during this time will help shape the woman you will become. I’m damn proud to be her – and I thank you for using this time to reflect, change, grow and shine.

And oh yes, your soul mate is out there – and he’s amazing. He’ll say hello here in about 3 years. Wait for him – he’s totally worth it.

Love,

Dr. JPK

6 Comments

39 years, 364 days….

April 12, 2011 at 6:30 PM (The Feminist Lattice)
Tags: , , , , , , , ,

Today is my last day to be 39 years old.  Tomorrow I will be 40 (or 30-10 as some young children like to say).

Many people don’t make it to 40.  Hundreds of thousands of people in my 40 years have died either due to starvation, genocide, abuse, neglect, violence, disease or catastrophe.  Others may make it to 40, but are damaged beyond repair – physically, emotionally or psychologically because of atrocities that one cannot bear to mention, let alone think about.  And still others are alive by the biological definition of the word – but they aren’t living.  They are simply existing, going through the motions of their lives and never truly connecting or giving of themselves.

And then there are those who truly LIVE.  You’ve seen them – people who embrace life with an unbridled passion and gusto that appears to be unquenched.  Some of these folks are outwardly exuberant, while others exhibit a quiet yet relentless curiosity that cannot be satisfied no matter how many books they read, how many people they meet or how many countries to which they travel. 

I’m not sure where I fall.  I am confident that some would categorize me as exuberant – but merely having energy doesn’t mean that I am truly living.  Nor does it mean that I’m not.  What I do know is that I’ve learned a lot in my first 40 years of life – and that both my good and bad experiences have forged me into the woman I am today. 

  • My challenges coming from a divorced home helped develop my independence, as well as a fundamental mistrust of relationships resulting in a lot of pain.  But these experiences also helped me figure out my own issues (along with the help of a fine counselor or two), and eventually recognize a true partner when our paths finally crossed.
  • My foray into all sorts of different activities (pageants, basketball, debutante, clarinet, musical theater, dance, singing (including Opera), science, running, mathematics, writing and advocacy) helped satisfy my curious nature, but it also reinforced a certain level of impatience I have when I don’t master something quickly. 
  • My determination and assertiveness have allowed me to advocate for those not as fortunate as myself, but I’ve also been selfish in that I’ve been looking more inward than out – something that I need to put back into balance to fully develop a giving spirit. 
  • I recognize the need for self-care, but I have significant challenges practicing it. 
  • My exposure to religion at a young age helped me garner an appreciation of spirituality – but it wasn’t until very recently that I realized it wasn’t an external spiritual construct I needed; rather, it was one from within. 

All of these situations, interactions and lessons have helped me become me.  Would I like to turn back time and be 25 again?  No way.  I remember what I was like at 25 – confused, weak, scared and not knowing a thing about what I truly wanted.  I am no longer that woman – but she will forever be a part of me.  Her lesson to me is one of true triumph over fear and doubt.  It was through both the harsh and subtle lessons learned in my 20s and early 30s that I finally found my path.

 As such, I’ll take the hurt mixed with laughter, the pain sprinkled with silliness and the thousands of miles I have traveled thus far on my own developmental journey.  I will wear each wrinkle I have earned with pride. I know I can do more.  I am convinced I can do better.  But my life lessons over the past 39 years and 364 days have reinforced that I will never stop growing, learning, trying, reaching and achieving all that I possibly can – for these are the lessons I will carry from my first 40 years into the next era of my life.

Now pass me a cupcake – it’s time to celebrate!

4 Comments

I Want What I Want…(wait, is that okay?)

February 23, 2011 at 11:55 AM (The Feminist Lattice)
Tags: , , , , , , , ,

(Cross posted to “SA Women Lead” – sawomenlead.com )

Time to chalk up another win for Twitter.

Not just for being a great social networking platform (for me, that’s a given).  The win comes from Twitter’s ability - yet again – to make me think about something I would not normally consider.  This time – it caused me to consider my own comfort level with the concept of ambition.

Recently, a quote was tweeted by Bobbie Denise Cole, a fantastic young professional in residence life, that talked about ambition.  Here’s the tweet:

Bobbie Denise Cole @BDeniseCole Bobbie Denise Cole

“A defiant charge to women to ‘reclaim ambition as a virtue.’ -Debra Condren #wihsng #wlsalt

13 Feb via Twitter for BlackBerry®  

This call, from researcher, author and executive coach Debra Condren, is something difficult I believe for women to do.  Ambition in and of itself is not a dirty word. However, ambition in women has long been perceived by women and men alike as a negative combination.  Generally socialized to be conciliatory and peace-makers, women are not “supposed” to be ambitious; rather, we are expected to “play nice”, “let others win” and be “happy with what we have”.  This relational straight-jacket has long relegated women to play second fiddle to men in a variety of venues, most notably the workplace.  In stark contrast, ambition in men is considered to be something to admire.  Questions like, “What are your ambitions?” are correlated with positive perceptions for men, whereas the same questions are viewed negatively for women, unless the “ambitions” expressed by women are acceptable female goals (i.e. “My ambition is to have a family”).  Research about this information is available in both Dr. Condren’s book, Ambition is Not a Dirty Word, and Sara Laschever and Linda Babcock’s book, Women Don’t Ask).

Something about all of these perceptions, expectations and assumptions really leaves me cold.  And quite frankly – it’s a load of crap.

Why is it that it’s NOT okay for me to state publicly what I want out of life?  Why is it, simply because of my gender, I am not allowed to openly discuss what my long-term goals are.  And, if I am viewed as assertively pursuing those goals, why I am viewed quite negatively because of it? 

I realize that many people reading this entry right now would immediately say, “We would never view a woman in aggressive pursuit of her goals in a negative way.”  To you, I offer this challenge.  Really think about the last time you interacted with a woman who was openly and articulately clear about her goals, and was working very hard to achieve them.  Perhaps she was volunteering to take on projects and tasks.  Perhaps she was openly expressing her concern about an issue facing the team at work or at an organizational meeting.  Maybe she was offering up specific and definitive solutions to some problem facing your organization.  Or perhaps, after an issue was brought up and others in the room negated her perspective, she kept bringing it up in an attempt to convince the group the direction was the right one to pursue?

What were your thoughts about her then?

Reflect on that for a moment.  If you’re like me – that type of reflection is like a bucket of ice water being dumped on my head. I have found myself, thankfully in my own mind and not through external means, saying things like, “Who does she think she is?” and “Can’t she just stop – she’s really coming on way too strong.”  Well – too strong for who?  For me?  Or for the society that continues to categorize women as passive, compliant and peace-making members of our society? Or maybe for both?

My challenge for anyone wishing to take it is simple.  The next time a woman speaks up or stands up for herself – celebrate and support her willingness to do so.  If a woman undermines herself as they discuss their dreams or goals – encourage them to stop belittling their own abilities and to start championing their skills and contributions.  Sponsor, don’t just mentor a woman, and talk about them to other people as vehemently and in similar terms as you would a male colleague.  For women – own who you are and where you want to go, and don’t apologize for doing so.  It’s your life – make it count and do so on your own terms.

The truth is, women’s voices are important, but so is their right and ability to own, voice and aggresively pursue their dreams.  We all need to embrace and support this idea if things are to truly change not only for women, but also for men - so let’s start now.

1 Comment

HELP! I need somebody….

February 10, 2011 at 12:20 PM (The Feminist Lattice)
Tags: , , , , , , , , , , , , ,

(cross posted to http://sawomenlead.wordpress.com)

Asking for help has never been my strong suit.  EVER. In fact, I have a history of doing everything in my power to avoid it.  I will haul my own luggage through an airport and through a hotel lobby even when help is offered.  I will balance multiple shoulder bags and boxes down a flight of stairs even when a colleague (who is carrying nothing) volunteers to take something out of my hands.  I will multitask on projects to the point of exhaustion, even when others are there to take some of the load.  I take on far more responsibility than any sane person should ever consider doing – both at work, at home and in other arenas.

Women in general have a horrible habit of not asking for what we need.  There are reems of research on this phenomenon – in sociology, career advancement literature, negotiation literature, family/work life balance issues, promotion and tenure practices – the list goes on and on and on.  We are conditioned at a young age to not speak up for ourselves and to “make peace”; which often means putting other’s needs ahead of our own.  We stop self-advocating.  We stop even being able to identify our own needs.  The result is that we continue to take on more at work in exchange for more stress instead of more salary or time off.  We continue to do the lions share of domestic chores in the household, even when we’re working one or two jobs at a time.  We continue to be the primary caregivers to our children or aging parents, even when we are completely exhausted and we have a partner who could help.  We continue to carry the load alone, and we rarely ask for help.

This past week, after several more rounds of “No, I’ve got this” or “I can do that – no problem!”, I finally took a moment to think about this habit.  I asked myself, “Why do I do this?  Why do I feel the need to carry all of this weight on my shoulders, all the time?”  I didn’t immediately come to an answer, but I knew it couldn’t continue.  My health, my sanity and my well-being were at stake.

I was forced upon reflection to come to two conclusions.  I don’t ask for help because I am afraid – afraid of many things.  First, I’m afraid of appearing weak – as if I cannot do something and, therefore, would be perceived as “less than” in some ways.  My inner feminist doesn’t do well with this. I am woman, dammit, hear me roar AND watch me carry all this crap around ALL THE TIME.  Now that I type this out – it doesn’t seem so fierce.

Second, I’m afraid of letting people in.  I have built this amazingly strong wall around me – to protect no doubt the fear, anxiety and doubt I have in my own abilities – and I do not want to have any cracks in that wall.  If I let someone else see all of this “stuff” – I lose.  If I let someone in – ostensibly to help – I can get hurt – and I lose.  It’s happened before, so why should I let it happen again?  If I ask for help – I will ultimately lose.  Now that I type this out – it seems pretty ridiculous.

So I took a chance.  Last week, I sent an email to a core group of women that I trust. I told them all about the rapid changes and additional stressors that were happening on my campus – but this time, I didn’t try to push it off as ‘I can handle this!” or “Really, it’s no big deal”.  Rather my approach was along the lines of, “This is happening to me, right now, and it’s hard.  It’s really hard, and I need support.”  I will admit, I was scared.  I was worried that these women would, somewhere in the recesses of their minds, think of me as less than, as weak, as not a real woman in some way. 

I couldn’t have been more wrong.

The support came flying at me in all directions – DMs on twitter, public tweets about offering up support and positive energy, phone calls, emails – you name it, it came.  I even got a card in the mail this week (thanks, Laurie!)  Not one time did someone say that I was being weak.  Never did anyone push back and offer to solve my issues.  Not once did someone say “How dare you dump all your stuff on me!”  No - the gift I received from my personal moment of bravery was 100% genuine support, empathy, caring and affirmation from so many people. I was not only surprised, I was humbled.

The truth is – asking for help is not weak – it’s courageous.  We’ve seen some of the stories from other women recently about their triumphs over fear, weakness, uncertainty and doubt by simply reaching out to others.  Asking for help is one of the bravest things anyone can do, and it connects you to others in a tangible, supportive and amazing way.  The result is – you become stronger when you ask for help.  Your network is so much stronger than your individual resolve. 

When is the last time you asked for help?

3 Comments

« Older entries

Follow

Get every new post delivered to your Inbox.

Join 38 other followers